Things I Learnt In Amsterdam

• Never underestimate a Dutch cyclist.
• There is a strict right-of-way system in Amsterdam: trams, buses, cyclists and then everybody else.
• A Dutch bike has three features: a squeak, a rattle and a pretty girl on the back.
• Never trust the signs. Amsterdam’s people hate tourists and appear to get thrills out of confusing them.
• Those tiny hooded scooters you see buzzing around – they’re unlicensed. Can you think of anything scarier than a pothead on a scooter? (Apart from me riding one, that is?)
• The canals in Amsterdam are approximately 50% water, 30% bike and 20% other (cars, bodies, rubbish…)
• Never trust me to read a map, or you may find yourself in the North Sea. On a pedalo.
• You haven’t actually seen it all until you’ve seen a male mannequin (with a six pack) wearing a pale blue silk thong decorated in pretty pink flowers.
• Aqua’s Barbie Girl sounds even sillier sung by the Dutch.
• Don’t indulge the street merchants on the edge of the Red Light District; baking soda does not make for an effective stimulant, icing sugar is meant for oral consumption and cocaine is not supposed to be Pine Fresh.

Originally written in July 2008.